I feel like I only post when I'm not feeling well. And the fact that I haven't posted in a while is quite encouraging. But our talk tonight kind of broke my heart.
I know you like me, you might even love me. But... And that's the point. I feel the lingering "but" every time we talk about this issue. Yes, you like me but you don't really want us to be a "we". You want to stay an "I", and see me as a random acquaintance when it comes to considering your scheduling and your plans. Yes, you are happy to see me, as long as you don't really have to make an effort.
I have decided to reduce my efforts to the same level as yours for the next few weeks. I hate writing this and it feels like someone is squeezing my heart and I can't breathe because I know this might end us. But I really can't keep making all the effort. I can't keep adjusting 100% of my life for you, while you are barely willing to adjust 10%. I have to let you go and if you end up coming back, that's grea but if not, then we really weren't meant to be.
I hope you don't ever read this, because I hate people who put on that kind of pressure. It's straight up blackmail. But I honestly don't know how to move on without you. I was so careful of protecting my very fragile heart. You drew me out and you made me happy in a way I never realized I could be. If I have this taken away from me, I don't want to move on with my life. No, I don't want to end my life or anything, but I don't think I would care about whatever happened to me.
Again, I REALLY hope you never read this. But as no one ever reads this and it's more like a personal diary, I'm not too scared that you will.
