17. I like you, but...

I feel like I only post when I'm not feeling well. And the fact that I haven't posted in a while is quite encouraging. But our talk tonight kind of broke my heart.

I know you like me, you might even love me. But... And that's the point. I feel the lingering "but" every time we talk about this issue. Yes, you like me but you don't really want us to be a "we". You want to stay an "I", and see me as a random acquaintance when it comes to considering your scheduling and your plans. Yes, you are happy to see me, as long as you don't really have to make an effort.

I have decided to reduce my efforts to the same level as yours for the next few weeks. I hate writing this and it feels like someone is squeezing my heart and I can't breathe because I know this might end us. But I really can't keep making all the effort. I can't keep adjusting 100% of my life for you, while you are barely willing to adjust 10%. I have to let you go and if you end up coming back, that's grea but if not, then we really weren't meant to be.

I hope you don't ever read this, because I hate people who put on that kind of pressure. It's straight up blackmail. But I honestly don't know how to move on without you. I was so careful of protecting my very fragile heart. You drew me out and you made me happy in a way I never realized I could be. If I have this taken away from me, I don't want to move on with my life. No, I don't want to end my life or anything, but I don't think I would care about whatever happened to me.

Again, I REALLY hope you never read this. But as no one ever reads this and it's more like a personal diary, I'm not too scared that you will.

16. Talk

Hey, I think we need to talk.

Not words you want to hear, not words I want to say. But we do have to talk.

I am very well aware, that I am super insecure about myself and our relationship but I keep thinking that I'm your convenient option. You like me and you like spending time with me, as long as you don't have to make an effort. It's convenient that I come over after work but you coming to mine on the weekends is a lot of effort. You coming to mine during the week is even more effort and definitely not doable.

I get that you like to be at yours with your computer and your online games. And I'm happy to spend time at yours but to me it's not much fun. All I can do is chill on your bed and occupy myself with whatever I brought. I have my own apartment with two bedrooms and a nice livingroom. We can spread out. I even organized a computer for you so you can play video games while I am doing something. You can get anything you ask for at my place. You won't even install a reading light for me.

I feel like I have to pursuade you, coax you and plead for you to come over. This does not feel good. Last weekend you told me that I made you feel bad about friday which is why you came over on saturday. I don't want that. I wish you'd come over because you wanted to and not because you feel obligated.

I'm crying as I am asking this, but do you really want to be with me? I always imagined it to be a happy moment when I tell you these words, but I love you.

Do you have any idea how much self worth you gave me? Do you have any idea how much perspective you gave me? Do you have any idea how much power you have over me? You are an amazing person so I don't think you'd do this on purpose. 

There is so much I'm holding back on, because I don't want to scare you. I love you, I see a future with you, I want to spend my (current) life with you. You give my life a direction, a meaing, something to wake up for, something to look forward to. 

So, if I am just the convenient option for you, please tell me. If I'm just a temporary thing without a real future, let me know. If you just "kinda like me" and don't "like me, like me", tell me now. I know it will break my heart and I will be completely devistated! But now I can get over it. I will find a way to continue my life, even if it will take some to get over you.

Otherwise, please find a way to show me what I mean to you. Please tell me about your love language and the subtle signs you give that I miss. I don't want to mold you into someone you are not, I just want to adapt to you and find a way to feel less insecure about if you like me or not.

I just don't want to feel like your convenient solution anymore that gets inconvenient when she wants something. I don't want to cry myself to sleep anymore because of you. Because this is just not healthy, at least not for me. And I don't want to start spiralling again.

So: I love you, do you love me? 

 

 ©Mizz

 

15. Mad or Sad?

 "Please don't be too mad", the last words I heard from you before you hung up the phone.

No, I'm not mad, I'm just sad. I miss you. I love you. I want to spend every waking minute with you. And you don't.

Sometimes it feels like I put in all the effort. If I'm not feeling well, I still have to say yes, because if I don't I'll only see you whend we both feel well, and that's almost never. I get that you don't want to leave the house when you're not feelin well but I feel like I keep coming over to yours.

I really don't want to message you tomorrow, I don't want to be the one AGAIN. But on the other hand, will you message me if I don't message you?

You said, maybe we'll see each other tomorrow. Maybe you'll let me come over. Maybe you'll feel good and are rested and get everything done. But I know that's not the case. I know either you won't feel well and not get anything done, or you'll feel good and you'll want to use the time to play your online games and not get anything done. That's the way it always is.

Last weekend you left my place early to do your taxes, now you still use your taxes as an excuse not to come over tomorrow.

I guess, once again, I'm too dependent on you. I should just cut you off for a while and not be the one to initiate anything. We'll see how you deal with it. But then again, I fear that you won't miss me even a tiny bit as much as I miss you and I'll break apart. Because I can't even deal with thinking about losing you. Even the thought of it makes me break out in tears and my heart starts to cramp in fear. So can I really step away for a while?

I have to stop now or I'll start to spiral into a very dark hole!

 ©Mizz

14. It's a me... Problem

 Okay, confession time, I'll tell you about my problem with this whole situation. Where should I start? Alright, there are so many things that intertwine that it's difficult to know how I should explain it. Bear with me, even if it doesn't make sense from the start.

You've been on sick leave for the past 3 weeks, not because you were sick but because you broke your foot. From the moment you received that doctor's note, you knew, you'd have five weeks to focus on whatever you wanted. Sure, at first you had to figure out school stuff, so maybe you had four weeks. You kept telling me you had some things to do before you could really make time for me and relax. I understood. But at the same time, you said, you had to figure out what was wrong with your foot because you could get anything done. While I knew it wasn't the smart strategy, I understood that it mentally blocked you because I've got the same issue when something is really bothering me. The day you got the diagnosis you were cleared for work and went back to work so you didn't have any time to get things done. Now you have two weeks of paid vacation time, and you keep saying, you first need to do everything that you told me you had on your to do list three weeks ago already plus some new things.

Does that sound like I'm mad at you? I guess it does, but I'm not. I'm trying to be very understanding and wherever I can't be understanding I try to be accepting. After all, the title says, it's a ME problem.

Now why is it a me problem? And why didn't I tell you on the phone or hesitate when you asked me to tell you in person? I'll answer the second question first, because it's a very short answer. Because I already felt my tears welling up in that stupid parking lot and I didn't want to start crying like a baby before I had to head to the store. And if I tell you in person, I'll probably start crying, too. And I don't want to appear weak, and I'm really scared of scaring you with my emotional (borderline depression) side.

I still haven't told you where my problem is, though. It's been a problem for my whole life, so it's definitely me, not you. I get emotionally involved and attached to people too quickly. And that means, I get really invested in the relationship and most of the time it is very one-sided. And now I get very careful when I think things get too one-sided.

Back to what I started with. During the time when you were home on sick leave, without being sick, you said you'd pack your stuff and come stay with me for a week. Eventually you ended up being at mine for two days that week. While I was working overtime, I made sure to visit you regularly, cook for you and stay over, even though it was quite stressful for me. And I feel like that's pretty defining for our relationship. While I plan my life around you, you try to fit me in, whenever it works for you. And maybe now you see, it's a me problem. I am bad at saying no. I have to learn to take a step back and not define my life through someone else. But how am I supposed to do that.

How am I supposed to tell myself no, or ask you for more, when I can't even tell you that I love you? And why can't I? Not because I don't feel that way, because I do, I really do! It's because I'm scared that you take a step back. Because once the words are out, they will stand between us and force a reaction from you, one way or the other. There is no not-reacting after you hear those words, because even not reacting is a reaction. And if I get the words out, then they are out there forever, I can't take them back. I make myself vulnerable, I expose myself, my heart, my feelings. And I'm not ready to have my heart broken. Not when I'm feeling that happy.

And another me problem, is that I get way too attached. So today, when I was talking about meeting tonight, I thought you did want to come over, you just needed some convincing (which I know I'm good at). I did not realize that you actually did not really want to come over. So, me problem, of course I was disappointed when you said you were not coming. It seemed like another sign, that I'm way more invested than you are. You have two more weeks of vacation to get done with all your tasks, while I have two intensely crazy weeks at work ahead of me. And it felt like you did not care at all what my schedule was going to look like.

And, once again, it felt like I'm not a priority in your life. This makes me (me problem) scared of making plans, especially with other people involved. I have not told my godmother that we are coming to her birthday next Sunday, because I'm scared something might make you change your plans again. And once I commit, I am committed. And I hate having to admit that plans are not going to work out. Plans are important for me, you know. They give me something to look forward to. And with my past, and the lack of joy I was able to feel (depressions and stuff...), I try to savor every moment of joy I get, and anticipation is a big part of that joy. Of course, I'm spontaneous, too, but in different situations.

Well, conclusion, it's a me problem, all of it. And I can't really talk about it without getting super emotional with tears streaming down my face, my cheeks getting blotchy, my eyes getting poofy and me looking ridiculous. And then you feel pity for me and think you have to make me happy again, which was not the point of it all. And we're back to my previous point of emotional blackmail. Great, and now I feel worse... So, I say, "I'm fine" and "don't worry", when I really think that I'm super sad and probably also pretty crazy.

And that's that. So, please don't disappear on me.

 ©Mizz

13. Love?!

“When I’m not with her, I wish she were there. When I am with her, I want that moment to last forever.”

― Ana Huang, Twisted Hate

 

Okay, you might, have guessed, it. I have a boyfriend.

 

After breaking up with my ex in beginning of 2012, I've been single since. There were a few guys I liked in the mean time.

• In Fall of 2012 I was ready to fall in love with a guy from England, but then his life fell appart and he lived too far away to make it work. 
• In 2015 I was on exchange in the US and dated this guy and I left the lead to him. He started holding my hand and kissing me in public, so I went along. When I told him, I wouldn't sleep with him right away, he seemed totally fine with him. But he completely drew back after two weeks and told me, he didn't want a relationship at the moment.
  
• In 2018 I met this really great guy but he ended up not wanting a relationship but only something casual and since I was about to move away so I didn't want to force anything.
• In 2020 I met someone online during COVID. We messaged back and forth for a long time and things were good but we never ended up meeting because in the beginning we were both careful and in the end he realized he wasn't ready for something real and that was okay.
• In 2022 I went out with another guy I met online and he seemed great. I should have noticed the red flags at the first date but at least I noticed them on date two, so I broke it off. (I won't talk about that now, I might share them some other time.)
  

 

I'ts fine, we just weren't a fit. I also wasn't particularly heartbroken about any of them. Sad, yes, but definitely not heartbroken. I'd rather be by myself than with someone who's not a good fit.

 

 

 

 “When I’m not with her, I wish she were there. When I am with her, I want that moment to last forever.” 

 

But now I met someone, I'll call him Matt. And I think I found my missing piece. He's amazing and I love him. I haven't told him yet, but I know for sure!

The other day I read the Twisted series, and it sucked, but I love this quote. When I'm not with Matt, I wish he was with me. When I am with him, I want the moment to last forever.

 ©Mizz

12. Crying in the Dark

There is way too much going on in my mind right now and I can't sleep but I also don't want to wake you up so I'm writing this down. By your reaction earlier I didn't really know if you wanted to hear my thoughts. I rather thought you were overwhelmed by my emotions and didn‘t really know what to make of them. This might be a me problem but it rather felt like you offered to listen out of politness and a sense of reponsibility or whatever rathen than genuine interest. I‘m worried that all of this is too overwhelming for you. So I‘m putting my thoughts to paper (I‘d prefer my blog but I don‘t have access to that right now).

So why did I get so emotional earlier? To be honest, I tried really hard to hide my tears, and for once I was glad that your room is so dark. I don't want you to see me weak but I'll get to that later. What hit me was that I can't hide from one more person I'm close to how I really fell but at the same time I feel like I have to. Everyone who knows about my problems, my illness, thinks that I'm getling treatment so I must feel better. What doesn‘t kill you makes you stronger, and so on. Like a broken leg, you get a cast, the leg heals and it's all fine again, no more problems. The bone grows back bigger and it won't bother you again. That's not the case with mentel problems, they can hit you hard in moments where you don't expect it. There is no fixing it and everything is back to normal. But that‘s what the people araund me expect and it scares them that that’s not the case. To be fair, it scares me too, but it’s my life so I've learnt to deal with it. Honestly, the way it is now is 100% better than the way it was before, even with all the difficult and very difficult days. But you only know me on my good days and I don‘t really want to show you the difficult ones.

And there we get closer to the core of the problem. I am fucking scared, I‘m so fucking scared of you, of us, of our relationship and of myself. I‘m so fucking amazing at self sabotaging that I‘m scared of what I might do to us. Would my opening up be for the benefit of us or just because, well... you see where I‘m going? I feel like I'm a toddler again, doing everything in the hope to be loved but because I'm so messed up I also fear that every misstep will take this love away. I feel like I'm too much for you, every time I ask about seeing you or making plans. Every comment about me wanting sex again makes me question if you're annoyed or if I'm asking too much of you. Every touch I yearn for and don't get makes me question if I'm enough for you. Am I pretty enough, beautiful enough, smart enough, funny enough? I am so full a self-doubt. I thought I’d learned to love myself enough to let someone else love me. But DO you love me? Or am I just nice to have around for a change, as long as I'm not too much of a burden? At the moment I feel like it is the latter. You've never even hinted that you might love or even like me. But I do, I love you and I can't tell you because you might think your „nice to have aroud" girlfriend is getting too clingy and too serious. And that might mean losing you. A horrible thought. That‘s also why I cringe every time I talk about my past. So far you‘ve been wonderful but what if you are disgusted when you find out how fat I was? Or how unwell I was mentlly? Or when I say that I understand someone's unwillingness to live?

I was once at a point where I saw no sense in my life and I wanted to give up, I never wanted to kill myself or end my own life, but if ceasing to exist had been an option I might have taken it. I saw no future for myself. But now, with you, I see one, a very concrete one and that scares me even more because this future can be taken away with the snap of a finger from you. I an totally at your mercy. Make one wrong move or say one wrong word and that was it. Be enough but don't be too much. And that's why I don't talk to you about this. You could probably ask pretty much anything of me and I’d jump through hoops to make you happy.

And yes, I'm aware of how unhealthy it is. And no, I don't want to be this way but as long as I don't get the feeling that I'm part of your life and not just at the sidelines, I probably won't stop feeling this way. And yes, that scares me. It scares the living shit out of me. And I don‘t even wanna imagine what losing you would do to me. But again, I can‘t tell you, because 1) that might scare you way and 2) that's emotional black mail and completely unfair of me. So I keep quiet and let you not notice when I cry myself to sleep because I'm so scared and the only time I tell you I love you is when you're sound asleep and don't actively hear it. And I don't bother you with the big problems and distract you with insignificant problems about my co-workers.

And maybe one day you'll tell me you love me and then I can admit to all of this but until then these words remain locked im my heart, banned to a piece of piper, or published in the anonymity of the world wide web for you to find or not and read or not but definitely not know/realize they were meant for you.

 

 

©Mizz 

11. Best Friends ?

She's supposed to be my best friend. But she truly hurt me this weekend. She did something that I don't know how to handle. It might seem minor but to me it is not.

Instead of keeping it in, I tried to tell her. I tried to communicate. But now she's ignoring me. We have so many plans for the next few months. We're supposed to travel to another continent together in 127 days. I'm supposed to be her Maid of Honor at her wedding. But does she still want that?

Here's the deal: I'm a passionate skier and we have shared this passion in the past. My parents have a cabin in the mountains and she has been over many times both during summer and winter time. She and I have been friends for 26 years. We have had difficult times before but we always found a solution.

Thinking about it, I'm not sure if she really considers me as much of a friend as I do. When she had her first child, she did not chose me as the Godmother. This hurt me but I didn't say anything. 3 years later I wrote her a letter explaining my point of view and she answered that she understood but I had to understand that she didn't want someone who didn't have her life in order (I was in university at that point) to be her child's Godmother because she thought that Godparents should be able to care for their Godchildren in case the parents die. Also, I wouldn't be her next child's Godmother. Well, that almost hurt more but at least she was honest. A little over a year later she had her second child.

When she separated from her boyfriend, the father of the two children, I was there for her. I supported her, I offered everything I had to help her out. She found a new guy and I immediately wanted him in the "family". He's a real good guy and is an amazing parent to her two children. When they announced their engagement and had another baby on the way they asked me 1) to be the Maid of Honor and 2) to be the Godmother. I really have no idea why, I was still in university, still did not have a job and would not have been able to care for a child.

Well, as you can think I was over the moon that she asked me and accepted right away! I probably should have questioned it. Anyways, I was her MoH at the court house and it was wonderful. But it was all somewhat last minute and we didn't have time to organize a bachelorette party. My mental health was shitty at that time and I was in the hospital for that. But I almost didn't dare say anything because I was so f*cking scared that she would take Godmother away from me again. But the Baby was due on my first weekend there so I asked for a special permission to visit her. The Baby didn't come so I asked for a special permission to visit her again. (Every trip cost me 60 bucks, but I didn't care because I was so excited for the baby). The Baby was born and I was happy to meet my little Goddaughter.

Well, for a while everything went fine. We texted a lot and talked to each other on the phone all the time when COVID hit. Well, it sucks but whatever. She kept setting dates in things that I would be involved without checking if I would be available: The date for my Goddaughter's Baptism, the wedding date, etc. I had to rearrange a lot of things and it caused me a lot of stress to make the two dates happen (which eventually were canceled anyways). It's not like I expect her to ask what dates work for me, but just a quick "we'd like to hold the Baptism then, is that alright for you?" would have been nice.

Well, anyways, last year she asked me if I knew a place to go skiing. I tried to convince her to come skiing at my home mountain but she kept saying it was too expensive. In the end I took her oldest daughter on a skiing day on my home mountain, which she messed up majorly in terms of timing but whatever. During summer she posted a few pictures of their family at my home mountain, while I was 10 minutes away. (They live 2 hours away by car (for them) and 3 hours by train (for me)). She didn't inform me that they were in the area and I told her that I was a bit hurt but she explained that it had been a very spontaneous decision so I dropped it.

And now what happened this weekend: It started the weekend before Christmas where we celebrated with our Godchildren. I "walked in" on her and the Godmother of the oldest daughter talking about a Ladies weekend with their partners and children. (My friend, her husband and the 3 kids, Godmother 1 of the oldest, and Godmother 2 of the middle child with her husband and child). Oh and Godmother 2 lives in the town of my home mountain now. So the weekend would take place there. No biggie, they just wanted to play in the snow. Well, I kept hinting that I would love to spend some time with my Godchild in the snow, too. And it wasn't like the hints were super subtle. She did not pick up on them and I did not want to invite myself.

What she did though was post about the weekend. About how much fun they had, how great their children's Goddaughter's are and how their youngest had been on skis for the first time how to ski ON MY HOME MOUNTAIN! She knows how excited I am about skiing, how excited I am about their children's skiing. And how excited I am about my Goddaughter once learning to ski. Well, I wasn't there. And besides not even asking me if I wanted to spend one of the weekend days with them, she sent me pictures of the little one on skis without a comment.

Wow, this freaking hurts!!!!

Well, I told her, I sent her the following text: 💔 you were on my home mountain, the place where I learnt how to ski and you put my Goddaughter on skis for the first time. I would have loved to be there. 💔💔💔

Do you think she answered? Nope, no answer! She's ignoring me.

For the past year I was helping her organize her freaking wedding. I created the wedding website, I communicated with the hotel, I helped her with the decoration. I even created a folder with information and checklists. I thought it was appreciated. Now I'm not so sure anymore. I am not even sure if any of my help is appreciated. Is she using me? She knows I'm happy to spend money if it's for the good of her children or even if it is for her.

I love her to death and would immediately take in all of her children because I love them too! Even if I had to drop out of university and take up a huge bank loan to pay for everything. And until today I was under the impression that she would do the same for me. But would she? Is she using me? Since we live 3h apart (for me, by train - for her it's only 2h since she has a car), she has visited me 5 times. I have visited her every other month, that adds up to 20+ times! I always told myself that was because she has children and her life is more difficult than mine but is it really THAT MUCH more difficult?

I'm starting to question this friendship and I don't know how I want to continue. Should I cancel our trip? Should I back out of the wedding? When should I make the decision? How long should I wait for an apology? I don't know. I'll have to wait for at least another week. Probably until the end of the month. We'll see. 

 

 

 

At least I'm feeling better now after writing everything down.

©Mizz