There is way too much going on in my mind right now and I can't sleep but I also don't want to wake you up so I'm writing this down. By your reaction earlier I didn't really know if you wanted to hear my thoughts. I rather thought you were overwhelmed by my emotions and didn‘t really know what to make of them. This might be a me problem but it rather felt like you offered to listen out of politness and a sense of reponsibility or whatever rathen than genuine interest. I‘m worried that all of this is too overwhelming for you. So I‘m putting my thoughts to paper (I‘d prefer my blog but I don‘t have access to that right now).
So why did I get so emotional earlier? To be honest, I tried really hard to hide my tears, and for once I was glad that your room is so dark. I don't want you to see me weak but I'll get to that later. What hit me was that I can't hide from one more person I'm close to how I really fell but at the same time I feel like I have to. Everyone who knows about my problems, my illness, thinks that I'm getling treatment so I must feel better. What doesn‘t kill you makes you stronger, and so on. Like a broken leg, you get a cast, the leg heals and it's all fine again, no more problems. The bone grows back bigger and it won't bother you again. That's not the case with mentel problems, they can hit you hard in moments where you don't expect it. There is no fixing it and everything is back to normal. But that‘s what the people araund me expect and it scares them that that’s not the case. To be fair, it scares me too, but it’s my life so I've learnt to deal with it. Honestly, the way it is now is 100% better than the way it was before, even with all the difficult and very difficult days. But you only know me on my good days and I don‘t really want to show you the difficult ones.
And there we get closer to the core of the problem. I am fucking scared, I‘m so fucking scared of you, of us, of our relationship and of myself. I‘m so fucking amazing at self sabotaging that I‘m scared of what I might do to us. Would my opening up be for the benefit of us or just because, well... you see where I‘m going? I feel like I'm a toddler again, doing everything in the hope to be loved but because I'm so messed up I also fear that every misstep will take this love away. I feel like I'm too much for you, every time I ask about seeing you or making plans. Every comment about me wanting sex again makes me question if you're annoyed or if I'm asking too much of you. Every touch I yearn for and don't get makes me question if I'm enough for you. Am I pretty enough, beautiful enough, smart enough, funny enough? I am so full a self-doubt. I thought I’d learned to love myself enough to let someone else love me. But DO you love me? Or am I just nice to have around for a change, as long as I'm not too much of a burden? At the moment I feel like it is the latter. You've never even hinted that you might love or even like me. But I do, I love you and I can't tell you because you might think your „nice to have aroud" girlfriend is getting too clingy and too serious. And that might mean losing you. A horrible thought. That‘s also why I cringe every time I talk about my past. So far you‘ve been wonderful but what if you are disgusted when you find out how fat I was? Or how unwell I was mentlly? Or when I say that I understand someone's unwillingness to live?
I was once at a point where I saw no sense in my life and I wanted to give up, I never wanted to kill myself or end my own life, but if ceasing to exist had been an option I might have taken it. I saw no future for myself. But now, with you, I see one, a very concrete one and that scares me even more because this future can be taken away with the snap of a finger from you. I an totally at your mercy. Make one wrong move or say one wrong word and that was it. Be enough but don't be too much. And that's why I don't talk to you about this. You could probably ask pretty much anything of me and I’d jump through hoops to make you happy.
And yes, I'm aware of how unhealthy it is. And no, I don't want to be this way but as long as I don't get the feeling that I'm part of your life and not just at the sidelines, I probably won't stop feeling this way. And yes, that scares me. It scares the living shit out of me. And I don‘t even wanna imagine what losing you would do to me. But again, I can‘t tell you, because 1) that might scare you way and 2) that's emotional black mail and completely unfair of me. So I keep quiet and let you not notice when I cry myself to sleep because I'm so scared and the only time I tell you I love you is when you're sound asleep and don't actively hear it. And I don't bother you with the big problems and distract you with insignificant problems about my co-workers.
And maybe one day you'll tell me you love me and then I can admit to all of this but until then these words remain locked im my heart, banned to a piece of piper, or published in the anonymity of the world wide web for you to find or not and read or not but definitely not know/realize they were meant for you.
©Mizz
No comments:
Post a Comment