4. To My Therapist:

Alright, I'm gonna go see a therapist, it's high time to get some outside help.

But what am I going to tell them? What are my problems?

Let's break it up:

• My family situation... not talking to my sister is definitely the biggest point

• My health... I've been physically sick a lot lately, my allergies are getting worse

• My weight and eating habits... Yeah, I know I've got a few extra pounds but over the past year it has increased a lot even though I try so hard to be healthy. 

• My frustration... related to the topic above

•  My inability to function and my lethargy... Sometimes I freaking don't want to get up / move and everything is too much, even answering my best friend's text...

• ... as well as my self-inflicted isolation from "the outside world" and the desire to talk to no one

• The pressure I feel from society and myself to start a family

•  Salt... you don't need to understand that...

•  This freaking ongoing state for almost 15 years!! 

I'll probably think of more soon but that's it for the moment.

... I can already tell, it is gonna be a long road ...

©Mizz

3. Ashamed

A night, a few hours, a phone call, an episode later...

I feel better...

... and worse at the same time. I'm ashamed of having had those thoughts.

I realized, the reason I don't talk about my problems isn't that I think they aren't bad...

... it's because I feel ashamed of myself.

How can anyone take me seriously, see me as an adult, when I feel like my 14 year old self?

In 2011 I wrote:

There is a dark hole and I'm getting closer and closer. An abyss opened next to me and I'm walking right on the edge. How long until I fall? How long until I give up and leave the path that goes past it? In the abyss is fear and I want to escape but I can't, like in a dream when you're paralyzed and you can't move. Can't get away, getting closer, soon I won't be here anymore because I am dead, not physically but my soul my mind, just gone.

Back then I was 19 years old and I can still relate.

Have I really not grown up in the past 8 years?

Have I been running in circles?

WTF is wrong with me?

©Mizz

2. Friends

Well, guess what, I asked for help.

On Wednesday I had a moment of clarity. I was texting with a friend and I sent her the following message:

Oh, and can you do me a favor
and force me to talk to you? I
need help but tomorrow I'll
probably tell you it's not important
but it is...

she texted back that she would... the next morning, while sitting next to me in class. Do you think she ever talked to me? She didn't. And I don't think she ever will.

No one wants to face the dark side of their friends.
No one wants to be confronted with someone else's problems
No one wants to be dragged down.

But I'll say it again, loud and clear

HELP ME!

©Mizz

1. Where am I...?

Do you know the feeling...

... of being lost?
... of crying for no apparent reason?
... of thinking you wouldn't be missed?
... of not wanting to get out of bed?
... of not wanting to talk to anyone?
... of not caring?
... of not even putting on "the face" for others?
... of still not being noticed?
... of being invisible?
... of drowning?
... of not being able to sleep yet you could sleep forever?
... of telling yourself to grow the f*ck up and stop pitying yourself?

But do you? Do you stop pitying yourself? Can you?
Is it really self pity? Or do I have a real problem?
What if I do?

Why can't I just stand up and say "I NEED HELP"?











© Ririfrog

0. Old Blog

Alright, so I checked out my old blog, I haven't looked at it in 6 years.
The blog is from 2010. It is uncanny how it mirrors my current mood.
I feel like I was in the exact same space, mentally and emotionally, 8 years ago.
Though probably for different reasons. Most certainly for different reasons.
I'm in a dark place again and I need to write about it to make it bearable.

...so if you read this, enjoy my mood swings.