3. Ashamed

A night, a few hours, a phone call, an episode later...

I feel better...

... and worse at the same time. I'm ashamed of having had those thoughts.

I realized, the reason I don't talk about my problems isn't that I think they aren't bad...

... it's because I feel ashamed of myself.

How can anyone take me seriously, see me as an adult, when I feel like my 14 year old self?

In 2011 I wrote:

There is a dark hole and I'm getting closer and closer. An abyss opened next to me and I'm walking right on the edge. How long until I fall? How long until I give up and leave the path that goes past it? In the abyss is fear and I want to escape but I can't, like in a dream when you're paralyzed and you can't move. Can't get away, getting closer, soon I won't be here anymore because I am dead, not physically but my soul my mind, just gone.

Back then I was 19 years old and I can still relate.

Have I really not grown up in the past 8 years?

Have I been running in circles?

WTF is wrong with me?

©Mizz