16. Talk

Hey, I think we need to talk.

Not words you want to hear, not words I want to say. But we do have to talk.

I am very well aware, that I am super insecure about myself and our relationship but I keep thinking that I'm your convenient option. You like me and you like spending time with me, as long as you don't have to make an effort. It's convenient that I come over after work but you coming to mine on the weekends is a lot of effort. You coming to mine during the week is even more effort and definitely not doable.

I get that you like to be at yours with your computer and your online games. And I'm happy to spend time at yours but to me it's not much fun. All I can do is chill on your bed and occupy myself with whatever I brought. I have my own apartment with two bedrooms and a nice livingroom. We can spread out. I even organized a computer for you so you can play video games while I am doing something. You can get anything you ask for at my place. You won't even install a reading light for me.

I feel like I have to pursuade you, coax you and plead for you to come over. This does not feel good. Last weekend you told me that I made you feel bad about friday which is why you came over on saturday. I don't want that. I wish you'd come over because you wanted to and not because you feel obligated.

I'm crying as I am asking this, but do you really want to be with me? I always imagined it to be a happy moment when I tell you these words, but I love you.

Do you have any idea how much self worth you gave me? Do you have any idea how much perspective you gave me? Do you have any idea how much power you have over me? You are an amazing person so I don't think you'd do this on purpose. 

There is so much I'm holding back on, because I don't want to scare you. I love you, I see a future with you, I want to spend my (current) life with you. You give my life a direction, a meaing, something to wake up for, something to look forward to. 

So, if I am just the convenient option for you, please tell me. If I'm just a temporary thing without a real future, let me know. If you just "kinda like me" and don't "like me, like me", tell me now. I know it will break my heart and I will be completely devistated! But now I can get over it. I will find a way to continue my life, even if it will take some to get over you.

Otherwise, please find a way to show me what I mean to you. Please tell me about your love language and the subtle signs you give that I miss. I don't want to mold you into someone you are not, I just want to adapt to you and find a way to feel less insecure about if you like me or not.

I just don't want to feel like your convenient solution anymore that gets inconvenient when she wants something. I don't want to cry myself to sleep anymore because of you. Because this is just not healthy, at least not for me. And I don't want to start spiralling again.

So: I love you, do you love me? 

 

 ©Mizz