Okay, confession time, I'll tell you about my problem with this whole situation. Where should I start? Alright, there are so many things that intertwine that it's difficult to know how I should explain it. Bear with me, even if it doesn't make sense from the start.
You've been on sick leave for the past 3 weeks, not because you were sick but because you broke your foot. From the moment you received that doctor's note, you knew, you'd have five weeks to focus on whatever you wanted. Sure, at first you had to figure out school stuff, so maybe you had four weeks. You kept telling me you had some things to do before you could really make time for me and relax. I understood. But at the same time, you said, you had to figure out what was wrong with your foot because you could get anything done. While I knew it wasn't the smart strategy, I understood that it mentally blocked you because I've got the same issue when something is really bothering me. The day you got the diagnosis you were cleared for work and went back to work so you didn't have any time to get things done. Now you have two weeks of paid vacation time, and you keep saying, you first need to do everything that you told me you had on your to do list three weeks ago already plus some new things.
Does that sound like I'm mad at you? I guess it does, but I'm not. I'm trying to be very understanding and wherever I can't be understanding I try to be accepting. After all, the title says, it's a ME problem.
Now why is it a me problem? And why didn't I tell you on the phone or hesitate when you asked me to tell you in person? I'll answer the second question first, because it's a very short answer. Because I already felt my tears welling up in that stupid parking lot and I didn't want to start crying like a baby before I had to head to the store. And if I tell you in person, I'll probably start crying, too. And I don't want to appear weak, and I'm really scared of scaring you with my emotional (borderline depression) side.
I still haven't told you where my problem is, though. It's been a problem for my whole life, so it's definitely me, not you. I get emotionally involved and attached to people too quickly. And that means, I get really invested in the relationship and most of the time it is very one-sided. And now I get very careful when I think things get too one-sided.
Back to what I started with. During the time when you were home on sick leave, without being sick, you said you'd pack your stuff and come stay with me for a week. Eventually you ended up being at mine for two days that week. While I was working overtime, I made sure to visit you regularly, cook for you and stay over, even though it was quite stressful for me. And I feel like that's pretty defining for our relationship. While I plan my life around you, you try to fit me in, whenever it works for you. And maybe now you see, it's a me problem. I am bad at saying no. I have to learn to take a step back and not define my life through someone else. But how am I supposed to do that.
How am I supposed to tell myself no, or ask you for more, when I can't even tell you that I love you? And why can't I? Not because I don't feel that way, because I do, I really do! It's because I'm scared that you take a step back. Because once the words are out, they will stand between us and force a reaction from you, one way or the other. There is no not-reacting after you hear those words, because even not reacting is a reaction. And if I get the words out, then they are out there forever, I can't take them back. I make myself vulnerable, I expose myself, my heart, my feelings. And I'm not ready to have my heart broken. Not when I'm feeling that happy.
And another me problem, is that I get way too attached. So today, when I was talking about meeting tonight, I thought you did want to come over, you just needed some convincing (which I know I'm good at). I did not realize that you actually did not really want to come over. So, me problem, of course I was disappointed when you said you were not coming. It seemed like another sign, that I'm way more invested than you are. You have two more weeks of vacation to get done with all your tasks, while I have two intensely crazy weeks at work ahead of me. And it felt like you did not care at all what my schedule was going to look like.
And, once again, it felt like I'm not a priority in your life. This makes me (me problem) scared of making plans, especially with other people involved. I have not told my godmother that we are coming to her birthday next Sunday, because I'm scared something might make you change your plans again. And once I commit, I am committed. And I hate having to admit that plans are not going to work out. Plans are important for me, you know. They give me something to look forward to. And with my past, and the lack of joy I was able to feel (depressions and stuff...), I try to savor every moment of joy I get, and anticipation is a big part of that joy. Of course, I'm spontaneous, too, but in different situations.
Well, conclusion, it's a me problem, all of it. And I can't really talk about it without getting super emotional with tears streaming down my face, my cheeks getting blotchy, my eyes getting poofy and me looking ridiculous. And then you feel pity for me and think you have to make me happy again, which was not the point of it all. And we're back to my previous point of emotional blackmail. Great, and now I feel worse... So, I say, "I'm fine" and "don't worry", when I really think that I'm super sad and probably also pretty crazy.
And that's that. So, please don't disappear on me.
©Mizz
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