5. Christmas

Therapy Session

T: What brings you here today?

C: I'm scared, seriously scared.

T: Of what?

C: Christmas.

T: Christmas?

C: Christmas.

T: Why are you scared of Christmas?

C: My sister.

T: You're scared of your sister?

C: I'm scared of seeing her again.

T: Why's that?

C: Because I haven't seen her in almost a year. I haven't talked to her since our brief conversation when I told her I wanted her gone, out of my life, because she was toxic.

T: How is she toxic?

C: She tried to ruin my life. Maybe not intentionally, but she was in a fight with my parents and tried to force me on her side. At the same time she talked sh*t about me to my parents, trying to make them angry at me.

T: That sounds very difficult for you.

C: Yes, it was.

T: So, what's the deal with Christmas, is she coming?

C: I don't know. All I know is my sister wasn't talking to my parents for a long time, putting my parents through hell. Which really hurt me. Now my parents are talking to her again, forgave her without the tiniest apology from her side. And I can't.

T: Why can't you?

C: I know I'm not perfect, I know I made mistakes, I know she won't admit to everything she did wrong. But I need her to admit that she is not 100% right. I would like to just let go but I can't.

T: Why can't you?

C: Because I know that if mum and dad do the tiniest thing wrong (in her eyes), she will freak out on them again, not talk to them, blame them for everything and put them (and me) through hell again. I can't do this, I really can't!

T: So you're angry?

C: Yes, I'm fu*king angry!

T: At whom?

C: At my fu*king sister!

T: Anyone else?

C: Yes, at my parents, for just forgiving her. I mean, not really, but at the possibility of my sister messing everything up again and putting me through hell. If my parents don't mind this possibility, then that's up to them. But they don't realize that it breaks my heart to see them heartbroken. I just can't deal with it.

T: So, why are you angry at them?

C: For not thinking about me when making the decision to talk to her again. For the possibility of putting me back in that really black spot where I can barely breath, sleep or do anything.

T: Okay. And what does all of that have to do with Christmas?

C: My mum brought up Christmas last week. And I have no idea if she's coming. And I cannot stand the thought of having to face her. Thinking of Christmas makes me feel sick. It makes me wanna throw up and it makes me wanna stop time so it doesn't come. I don't wanna fear such an amazing feast. I don't want to stay home alone, but if the other option is facing her, then I'll do it.

T: I see.

C: The thought of Christmas shouldn't make anyone cry.

T: No, it shouldn't.

C: And all I'm thinking about is strategies to get out of it or strategies of how to find out if she's gonna be there without having to ask her.

T: So what are the options?

C: At the moment I'm thinking of telling them that I've got the flu, a couple of days before Christmas. But we're celebrating with two different families so I don't think I can bring that excuse twice.

T: Why don't you just tell them how you feel about seeing her?

C: Because then I would do exactly what she did. I would put my parents into a difficult position, thinking they did something wrong. Or maybe they'd think they'd have to choose between her and me. Or it'd just plain break their heart and I can't be responsible for that. I can't put them through this again.

T: I see.

C: I also can't put myself through this again.

T: That's true.

C: This is killing me. She is killing me.

©Mizz